[Taps mic] Is this on?

In which we begin.

Been a while since I wrote anything for, at least theoretically, public consumption; only thing I have been writing is a regular pub quiz (two actually, first Thursday of the month at The Moorbrook, and (usually) 3rd Tuesday at The Wellfield, you really should come along). Eyes down for a full house…

ROUND ONE: PICTURES

This is from the start of the month, so there’s a Commonwealth Games theme. 10 celebs of varying levels of fame - who are they, and what Commonwealth country do they come from? Layout’s a bit shit because…it just bloody is, OK? (Answers at the bottom of the post)

Incidentally if you do want to reuse this in your local juicer, go ahead, as long as it’s at least 30 miles from Preston, not having you nicking my customers. No charge, but if you fancy bunging me a couple of quid…tips jar is open. Anyway, on to…

ROUND TWO: WHO’S OLDEST?

Tip for quiz setters - you don’t want anyone haring away too quickly, so the early rounds should be a bit of a lottery. You want even your denser contestants to be in with a chance, so I always start off with this. 5 pairs of celebrities who share a birthday but in different years. Answers as always at the bottom of the post.

1. Jovial, avuncular and dead DJ, Terry Wogan, or retired hellraiser Martin Sheen?

2. Eccentric Jolie-shagger Billy Bob Thornton, or reminder of how far and how quickly we’ve fallen, Barack Obama?

3. Brazilian thrash legend, Max Cavalera, or alleged Southport funnyman Lee Mack?

4. Fourth-best Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell, or Arsenal and Portsmouth legend Nwankwo Kanu?*
   
   *Note - I’m going with what Geri claims here [Frankie Howerd as Lurcio face.jpg]

5. Actress, humanitarian, and infallible Gammon-twat-on-social-media revealer, Meghan Duchess Of Sussex, or for some reason insufferable Dutch footballer, Robin Van Persie?

ROUND THREE: VILLAGE IN LINCOLNSHIRE, OR WEST INDIAN CRICKETER?

Again, an absolute crapshoot. 5 names, and they are all either the former or the latter. Unless you have a truly encyclopedic knowledge of cricket, or spend a lot of time in England’s emptiest county, you might as well toss a coin.

1. Berkeley Gaskin

2. Grayson Shillingford

3. Gosberton Risegate

4. Claxby Pluckacre

5. Royston Crandon

ROUND FOUR: GENERAL IGNORANCE

This is where we sort the wheat from the goats and the sheep from the chaffinches. 15 questions. Usually some sort of current theme for the first few, until I get bored and throw in any old crap. Note it was written earlier in the month so the “on this day” stuff is no longer accurate, not that it should matter really. If you can’t work out where the answers are by now, I’m surprised you’re managing to read this.

1. How many countries are in the Commonwealth?

2. What country is the next Commonwealth Games being held in?

3. Which Brummie, real name Bob Davis, had a hit with Funky Moped?

4. Which test cricket ground is in Birmingham?

5. What is Birmingham City's home ground?

6. England won Women's Euro22 on sunday, who scored the winner?

7. The Hundred started last night, how many teams are there in it?

8. On this day in 1962 Marilyn Monroe did, how old was she?

9. On this day in 2007 Lee Hazelwood died, who was he famous for performing duets with?

10. On this day in 1965 the Cook islands became independent from which country?

11. Which sitcom was set on Craggy Island?

12. What did Upper Volta change it's name to in 1965?

13. If cats are feline and dogs are canine, what are eagles?

14. In which year was the first Women's Euros?

15. T or F: Birmingham is twinned with Wuhan?

TIE BREAKER: How many England caps does Jill Scott have?

There you go. Answers below. In the meantime, here’s a monkey washing a cat:

Enjoy that? Good. Here’s the answers:

ROUND THE FIRST:

1. Jim Carrey, Canada

2. Nelson Mandela, South Africa

3. Nick Cave, Australia

4. Mark Cavendish, Isle Of Man

5. Imran Khan, Pakistan

6. Rihanna, Barbados

7. Michael Holding, Jamaica

8. Russell Crowe, New Zealand

9. Matt Le Tissier, Guernsey

10. Billy Ocean, Trinidad & Tobago

ROUND 2:

1. Wogan, 1938 v 1940

2. Thornton, 1955 v 1961

3. Mack, 1968 vs 1969

4. Halliwell, 1972 v 1976

5. Sussex, 1981 v 1983

ROUND 3:

1. RIGHT-ARM MEDIUM PACE, 2 TESTS

2. LEFT HAND BAT, 7 TEST

3. 5 MILES NORTH OF SPALDING

4. 6 MILES SOUTHEAST OF HORNCASTLE

5. OFF SPINNER, 1 ODI

ROUND 4:

1. 56

2. AUSTRALIA

3. JASPER CARROTT

4. EDGBASTON

5. ST ANDREWS

6. CHLOE KELLY

7. 8

8. 36

9. NANCY SINATRA

10. NEW ZEALAND

11. FATHER TED

12. BURKINA FASO

13. AQUILINE

14. 1984

15. FALSE

TIE BREAKER: 161

There’ll be a new one every month, amongst all the other tat. Hope you enjoyed it.